Another Chance
by silvercross
Summary: Yuki has learned the lesson he would never ever forget... Yaoi and Angst.
1. Death.....

THIS IS ANGST heh heh, can't say i din't warn yah. anyways, please don't kill me 'til you finish the fic. it's not like what your thinking! ::pouts in defense:: so please, spare my life and finish the fic first, ne? actually, i just watched gravi oav and well, it inspired me to write this. i'm sorry if it's badly written though, i'm a newbie in this field.

spoilers? hmmn.. none actually.. meaning i just invented everything and that i didn't base this on the anime or oav (er, maybe some parts, but just sukoshi ^.^). i just got so twisted and the cruel part of me practically screamed for me to write this. oh, and if in any case this fic resembles another, i really didn't intend that. i'm not the one to steal others' ideas, so that's probably by chance, ne? ^.^!! 

this is YAOI of course. yukiXshuuichi as promised! *^____^*

disclaimer: if they're mine i'd let yuki write the fics for me.. ohoho lemons to be exact ^.~! 

*_*, _ _ - emphasis

/__/ - thoughts

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::Another Chance::

by silvercross

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Takatak tak tak.

/Ch-/

Takatak tak takatak.

/..../

Takatakatak tak.

/Shit. I've been through this for days and still no friggin' progress. Damn these slumps.../ Yuki cursed inwardly as he left his working table to get another can of beer.

He was trying so hard these past few days and still couldn't get it right. Before, the words would just flow freely, like a flood gate opened. But now, it's as if there's a nagging feeling in the back of his head -- something he couldn't quite get his finger on. Something, was obstructing him from thinking clearly. An ill feeling, perhaps.. as if a tragic thing was about to impend on him.

He grunted as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen. He needed to get drunk, and maybe it'll set his mind running again. Groping in the dark, he opened the refrigerator door. His eyes squinted slightly as faint light crept from inside, blinding him momentarily. He started to grab one can at first then decided to take two, shutting the door immediately as he got what he needed.

He settled one of the cans on top of his desk beside the four he drank earlier. The other he opened lazily as he slammed himself on a nearby sofa. Golden eyes stared absently at the ceiling and one hand fumbled for a pack of cigarettes. He lit one and inhaled it deeply, letting himself drown in the pool of smoke. 

He felt his mind spinning -- the beginnings of a headache somewhat forming in his head already. He stirred a little from his position and faced the nearby window. It was only seven in the evening and yet he felt as if dawn was near. He could see the dark sky, slightly tinted with sick red/sick yellow glow from the moon's light. He was waiting for him and knew why, but kept denying it.

/Shuuichi.... why isn't that idiot here yet?/ he thought, as he drank heedlessly from his can.

/He was supposed to arrive today from the tour... but he didn't exactly say what time he'll be coming.../

His thoughts were swimming in his head now, partly because of the alcohol, and partly because of his now growing headache. He felt so tired that his eyes were begging for sleep. He slammed the half-burnt stick on the ashtray as the empty can slipped from his other hand. His eyes were slowly shutting themselves close, and his breathing deepened just before it became even. Finally, the faint sounds of the night cradled him to sleep.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**

"Tadaima!" The loud, tenor voice echoed Yuki's apartment as the door was slammed shut. The wooden floor creaked slightly with each step, along with the continuous screaming of his name. Yuki was awake now, shooking his head slightly as he got up to face the loud boy.

"Tadaima Yuki--"

"Oi! Urusai na!" Yuki cut him off as he marched towards the living room's sofa. He squeezed his eyes shut as he collapsed into it. He rubbed them gently, wincing at the pain it was in.

Ignoring Yuki's harsh greeting, he walked towards were Yuki was sitting and dropped himself beside the older man.

"Ne, Yuki, aren't you happy that I'm here now?! I just got back from the tour and I'm dying to see you!!! I've got so much to tell you and--"

/I _am_ dying to see you too but.../ "..Your so loud.." Yuki blurted out, still rubbing his eyes and forehead.

Still ignoring, Shuuichi continued. ".. ne, do you know I visited my parents' house before going here? I just went there to know how they were doing and they told me--"

/He's still the same... babbling like there's no tomorrow.. I can't understand a thing he's saying... god he's so loud... and this headache... god.. and his voice isn't helping either../

"--mom was really sad about it and--"

"Urusai I said!" Yuki growled. For a minute, he was taken aback by his own tone and somewhat regretted it. He *did* miss Shuuichi. He just couldn't bring himself to admit it to him.. or show him that he couldn't function normally during the past few days without the younger man. 

He decided to apologize, felt that he needed to. The most important person in his life was now in front of him.. in flesh.. and he was shoving him off like an unwanted intruder. Shuuichi did disturb him from his sleep, but it wasn't an enough excuse to treat him harshly. He was, Shuuichi after all. 

As he started, Shuuichi cut him off. This time, the younger man's face was serious, the gleam on his face slowly vanishing. It was something Yuki hadn't quite expected.

Shuuichi was laughing.

He was laughing with a grim expression on his face. He was laughing as tears slowly trickled from his now slightly narrowed eyes. The scene shocked Yuki so much that he was at lost for words. 

Still quite confused, he struggled to speak. "S-Shuui-"

Shuuichi cut him off. "Mm-hn-hn... funny Yuki... I never get tired of it..." Shuuichi said in between chortles, despite the pain that was clearly written on his face. 

To Yuki, it sounded almost maniacal. 

Shuuichi clutched the hem of his shirt tightly as he continued. ".. Hn... I don't know why I even bother. You could've at least pretended that you're happy you know.." 

/Wh--/

Shuuichi stopped laughing. Instead, he tightened his fists a bit more and spoke. 

"..Fuck... I'm so pathetic... taking all these from you up until now... I was never important to you, ne? Yuki? To you I'm just a mere fuck toy you could use anytime you feel so friggin' lonely, am I right?"

Yuki could only stare at him in shock. He couldn't believe he was hearing those things from Shuuichi. This wasn't the Shuuichi he knew. He was expecting the younger man to be pouting at him with big, watery eyes... begging him to be more kind and gentle. But cursing.. he hadn't seen that coming. Shuuichi never cursed before.. nor said those words he just heard from the younger man. He knew something was definitely wrong. The whole situation seemed alien to him and it confused him even more. 

/What?! I-I don't understand.. No.. your mistaken.. no Shuuichi I didn't mean to... Shit!/ Yuki hissed in his mind as he started.

"Shuuichi I-"

"You what Yuki? You're going to tell me you didn't mean that, ne? Tell me Yuki, how many times have you told me that already? I think I've lost count."

He twitched slightly at Shuuichi's harsh tone. He couldn't move, even if the younger man was only inches away from him. 

/No, this can't be happening.. please tell me this isn't happening.. Shuuichi.. I don't understand... I'm sorry... I--/ Yuki thought mournfully as he bit back a cry.

It was all too much for Yuki. The familiarity was gone, as if everything became foreign to him. The air was frighteningly cold and he felt like being devoured by it slowly. 

Painfully.

"Gomen, Yuki.. but I can't put up with this anymore. You told me once you love me.. but can I really believe in that? Come to think of it.. you really tell me nothing other than baka, urusai, dull, and many other stuff you kill me over and over with. Doushite Yuki? Am I really that low that I can't reach your level anymore? Or that I don't even have the *right* to reach it? Do you think of yourself as a god Yuki? And that I'm a mere slave to you? Yeah, maybe I _am_ just your sex slave.. someone who would gratify your personal needs and nothing more...."

Yuki winced at Shuuichi's words. /Wha-- N-NO! You're not like that to me! I didn't think that even once! No! You're mistaken--/ He screamed in his thought. His eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly parted with shock. He couldn't say it out loud... couldn't deny everything Shuuichi accused him of. He knew those weren't true, or perhaps, only a part of it was true. But he _never_, ever thought of Shuuichi as his slave, his sex slave or anything of that sort.

Gathering himself together, he tried to place a hand on Shuuichi's shoulder. He wanted to touch him badly -- to embrace him so tight that Shuuichi would understand him just by that. He wasn't the verbal type of person and Shuuichi knew that too. But perhaps, something in Shuuichi snapped and disillusionment dawned in him -- that the Yuki before him would never be the Yuki he so longed for in his dreams.

And maybe, now was it. Shuuichi couldn't contain it anymore, and he just.. _broke_. Too much pain... too much false hope perhaps, cracked the barrier he tried so hard to put up around him. And another of Yuki's unmindful actions triggered it, finally smashing it to pieces.

Shuuichi flinched at the touch. He stood up and moved away from the older man. Yuki was hurt, no.. he was devastated at Shuuichi's reaction. Everything was a mess... and he couldn't help it, his eyes -- as much as he hated it -- were begging for him to let go. Yuki was on the verge of crying and he can feel tears slowly forming at the corner of his eyes, despite his attempts to will them away. 

Unaware of Yuki's current state, Shuuichi continued. "You know, that story I was telling you a while ago was one of the most important things in my life right now.. it's about my family.. and you don't even give a fucking damn about it.." He uttered, his back turned against the older man. 

Yuki still couldn't voice out his thoughts but in his mind, he was screaming... begging at the younger man. He couldn't say anything not because he has nothing to say. Being the non-verbal type of person that he was, he was more afraid of saying the wrong things that might make the situation a lot worse. And he couldn't deal with that right now. Not when things were like this.

/I-I'm sorry.. I-I didn't hear it.. Please, Shuuichi, understand! PLEASE!/ 

".. And this wasn't the first time too. Whenever I tell you something, important or not, you always shove me off -- like listening to me wasn't the least bit worth it. You always ignore me too.. like I don't exist. Why Yuki? Does my existence bother you that much? Maybe you should've just killed me, you know.. it would be so much easier for the both of us..." 

The last statement angered Yuki a bit. It brought back dark memories about his past.. about the person whom he offered his whole life to and even laid his heart at that person's feet... only to see himself being crushed slowly and painfully by that same person. 

The one he loved.

The one he _killed_.

At that, Yuki struggled to speak. 

"Now wait just a minute! I don't understand any of this!! I-I neve--" 

But he stopped, just as quickly. Yuki was indeed sensitive about the issue, but seeing Shuuichi -- back turned against him, fists clutched tightly -- his anger died down a bit. He could feel Shuuichi slowly drifting away from him and finally... he understood what this was all about -- what everything was all about. And he _regretted_ it. He felt stupid for not even realizing this until now... now that everything seemed too late for him.

He was losing Shuuichi -- the person who brought light back in his dark, woe-filled life.

Shuuichi -- his _light_.

He swallowed his pride. He doesn't want that to happen. No, he wouldn't want to repeat that same mistake. He already lost Kitazawa-sensei back then, and he felt it was his own doing -- that he drove Kitazawa-sensei to it and he just snapped. Now, the past seemed to be repeating itself, and he wouldn't let it happen. He calmed himself down, then took up his courage to apologize to the younger man.

"I'm... I-I'm sorry Shuuichi. I'm such a bastard.. I know.. and, I've cost you a lot of pain and--"

But Shuuichi didn't give him time to explain further. 

"_NO_ Yuki.. NO... don't worry your sorry little ass about it. After all, I'm just a fucking slave to you ne? But I won't let you fuck me up anymore.. using me and then leaving me like dirt. This time.... _I'm_ the one who's gonna leave.."

/WHAT?! NO! Please NO! Wait I--/

"..I'll leave you... in your own ego-fucking-tistic world..." Shuuichi declared as he marched towards the apartment's door. Yuki remained imobile, as if gravity was pulling him further down the ground. His mouth was dry and his head still hurt, but it couldn't compare with the pain his heart was in.

/Just say it goddamit! Stop him! J-Just stop him please.. move.. do something...if he means so much to you.. NO, please Shuuichi don't go.. wait.. please../

"...goodbye, *Yuki-san*..."

As if on cue, the apartment's door slammed shut.

Shuuichi was gone.

His _light_ was gone.

Before, he would be more than happy to get rid of the loud boy. He would miss him, but he thought Shuuichi would always come back to him anyways, so he didn't bother. 

But this was different. 

When Shuuichi left, everything became dark again, like the life he used to live.. the rotten memories that kept eating him. The warmth was gone, leaving him nothing but himself and the apartment that used to be his _home_. It was a home then, but when Shuuichi left, it felt like a hollow edifice and nothing more. 

He clutched at his heart tightly, and finally let the tears he had been holding back flow freely from his eyes. 

------------------

tsuzuku...

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waah.. it was horrible wasn't it? shucks... i don't know if i got their characters right... dou datta, minna? gomen ne, this is my first yukiXshu-chan fic so please take it easy on me.. demo, kondo, atashi wa ganbarimasu! yakusoku yo! 


	2. .....Life

gah! this is the second chap minna! it's a good thing i've finished this fic before posting it.. at least yah all won't kill me after reading the first chap! i wouldn't be able to write the second and explain everything that's happened so far (yes, mind you people, i've got a very good explanation why all *that* happened) if you guys kill me ne? gehehe.. ::grins evily::

disclaimer: another chance is mine! the plot bunny who visited me is mine too... demo, mochiron, charas and animation not mine. gurabite-shon wa sugoi maki murakami-san ga tsukutta anime desu yo! dakara... CHIIZU!! *^_______^*

*_*, _ _ = emphasis

/__/ = thoughts

Italicized words/sentences/paragraphs = inner voice 

---------------------

::Another Chance::

by silvercross

---------------------

___________

Chapter 2

___________

Yuki never felt more pathetic than ever.

Here he was, getting himself wasted instead of going directly to the cause of it... of his pain. As much as he tried to, he couldn't win against himself.

He needed Shuuichi.

Wanted him.

_Loved_ him.

And he couldn't deny that fact. No, not any longer. Not when he practically died as Shuuichi left.

He'd had so many chances in the past, but had let all those opportunities go to waste. He acted haughty and detached himself from the people around him, including the person he loved, without knowing that someday, he might lose that person.

He'd known it now. Shuuichi's just human too. He wasn't perfect. Sooner or later it would strike him, and realize that there're other fish in the ocean. Other fish who would treat him better, love him better and would take care of him for the rest of his life.

/Better than me.../

Yuki thought bitterly as he crushed the empty can of beer in his hands and got another one. Pathetic as it was, this was the only solution he could come up with.

He thought that drowning himself with alcohol was the fastest way to run away from everything. He just wanted to hide.. no, disappear.. even for a minute. He wanted to forget, even for a little while, that he hadn't just made the biggest mistake of his life.

/No, my _second_ biggest mistake.../ He corrected himself.

Memories of his past spurred in his mind again. Him running like an untamed animal towards Kitazawa-sensei in their rendezvous spot in New York. Him with Kitazawa-sensei, laughing, chattering the whole day away like there's no tomorrow.

But there never was a *tomorrow* for them. Or at least, for his sensei.

/B-because... I-I killed him... I drove him to it and... and then I killed him..../ Yuki thought mournfully. 

He felt himself crying again. The alcohol, unfortunately, wasn't enough for him anymore. Despite his drunkenness, the memories were spurring in his mind clearly... quite too *clearly* actually. He could almost see himself on his knees, holding the gun in his hands, Kitazawa-sensei in front of him, sprawled on the floor as the pool of blood grew faster beneath the lifeless body.

/NO! Please.. no more.. I-I.. I-I can't.. anymore... I.../

_And now Shuuichi. Are you gonna kill him too? _

/SHUT UP! STOP!! I won't do something like that.. no.. not anymore.. never.../

_Ah.. are you sure? You know it's *your* fault. If I'm not mistaken, you also drove him to it. In a different aspect, yes, but it's still your fault, nonetheless._

"No.. I didn't mean to--"

_Tsk.. tsk.. Yuki... Yuki... he called you Yuki-san just before he left, didn't he? Isn't it crystal clear to you now? He deliberately *detached* himself from you. You're nothing to him now. He *left* you. He left you, Yuki. Can't you understand that?_

"FUCK YOU! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

_And now, isn't it just right that you kill him too? C'mon Yuki.. just like the good 'ol days. Just like what you did to Kitazawa-sensei. Kill him Yuki... he hurt you.. you kill anyone who hurts you right?_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!! I WON'T KILL ANYONE! I-I..."

_Oh, but you will! You know you will... part of you still wants it.. still craves for it... longs for other people's blood... Like what Shuuichi said.. it would be so much easier for both of you, ne?_

"NO!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU BASTARD! I WON'T KILL HIM!! I--I.. I love him...."

_Aww, too bad he isn't here to hear that now. It's too late Yuki, can't you see that? Hahahaha! You're so screwed now! You can't run away from this anymore.. you deserve this Yuki... you deserve this more than anyone.... YOU KNOW IT..._

"N-no... please, just stop.. please..."

Whether it grew tired or it pitied Yuki, he didn't know. The voice was gone now, but it's maniacal laughter still echoed inside his head.

It was suffocating him. 

He buried his face in his hands. He doesn't want to see anything anymore. Everywhere he looked, he could see Kitazawa-sensei's lifeless body.. then he would see Shuuichi's next. It was all he could do not to claw his eyes out.

But even when his eyes were closed, he could still see it. 

The _bloodbath_.

He could see Kitazawa-sensei laughing at him, raising the bloodied hands to touch him.. and perhaps, if given a chance, kill him... wring his neck so tight that he wouldn't be able to breathe.

The very thought sent shivers down his spine. He knew it wasn't true and yet he was afraid. 

He removed his hands on his tear-stained face and stared at the darkness around him.

Nothing. He could see nothing but darkness. Without Shuuichi, everything seemed dull. 

Just then, something caught his eye... something that shone amidst the darkness. He stood up, almost too quickly and walked towards its direction.

He could almost recognize the thing as he grew closer. Finally bridging the gap, he saw it. 

It was Shuuichi's mug. 

It was the only thing that gleamed in his apartment despite the darkness that surrounded them. 

He felt nostalgic. Memories of Shuuichi and their days together entered his mind. This time, they were sweet ones. 

If only he was given another chance, he would never waste it anymore. He would give Shuuichi the love and care he so deserved.

He deserved much more after all.

/Much more than what I've offered him... what I gave him.../ He thought bitterly.

He held the mug in his hands and clutched it tightly on his chest. He felt as if it was the only connection he had to Shuuichi... the only thing that still linked them together.

At that, he felt his tears coming again. 

"I-I'm sorry Shuuichi... I-I... please.. one chance is all I ask.. please..."

_Yuki..._

"No please.. don't... I don't want to hear it anymore..."

_Yuki..._

"Please.. just let me be... stop t-tormenting me..."

_Yuki... tadaima..._

"No.. I--..."

/Tadaima?/

"Yuki..."

Upon hearing his name, Yuki slowly opened his eyes. 

He rubbed them gently, then blinked twice before he scanned his surroundings. Instead of darkness, his eyes met light. He saw himself facing the ceiling, and it confused him. Then it occurred to him he was sitting down, his head supported by the sofa's top. It was the sofa beside his working table.

It was weird. He never knew when he managed to get himself to his office. All he remembered was, him in the living room, clutching Shuuichi's mug tightly on his chest and crying his heart out.

And now he was...

Wait. He heard someone call his name. At first he thought it was that *voice* again -- the one that kept tormenting him. Then he realized that the voice wasn't at all mocking. It was, gentle even, to say the least. It somewhat soothed him, like a mother cradling his child to sleep.

Then he heard it again.

"Yuki... tadaima..."

At that, he turned his eyes to the direction of the voice. He saw a hint of pink first, then slowly, big, gentle eyes and a worried face of a young man entered his line of sight.

It was Shuuichi.

"Yuki.. Yuki... ne, Yuki.. daijoubu? Are you having a nightmare my angel? A--, gomen, I didn't mean to call you that.. I know you don't like being called sweet stuff like that so.."

Seeing Shuuichi right before him almost made his heart stop. He couldn't believe it, and somehow, he felt afraid. It seemed all too good to be true.

"S-Shuuichi! You're here!"

Shuuichi pouted at him playfully. "Mou, Yuki what are you talking about? Of course I'm here! Why won't I be? I just arrived a while ago from the tour and well I said tadaima but you didn't reply so I figured you were sleeping or you went out so..."

/I-I.. was only dreaming... it was all a bad dream.../

"...I checked up on you and found you in your office and suddenly you were fidgeting in your sleep and the last thing I know you were mumbling something and well.. you look like you were sort of ah.. crying... gomen.. I know I'm saying too much again.. I didn't mean to annoy you and I didn't mean to sneak up on you like that but---"

At that, Yuki kissed him. He was.. happy. Perhaps it was an understatement, but in that moment, he really couldn't describe what he felt. All that mattered was Shuuichi... that he was still with him.. that he didn't lose him.

He was given another chance. And he won't waste this one anymore.

_Never_.

Not even if his life depended on it. 

They finally stopped to breathe. 

"A-a.. Y-Yuki!" Shuuichi uttered.

Astonishment was written on the younger man's face. He couldn't understand Yuki's sudden change. He was expecting a growling Yuki and not a passionate one. But Shuuichi never complained.

"Why? Why are you surprised? Didn't you like it?" Yuki asked almost fearfully, as if he was afraid of Shuuichi's reaction.

"A- n-no! I mean, no I didn't *not* like it.. I mean.. I-.. well what I was trying to say was.. I-I was just um, quite shocked because you're not usually like that and well I--"

Yuki smiled at him. A real smile... a smile only for Shuuichi.

"Sssh.. hush now... I won't hurt you ever again... I love you Shuuichi... did I ever tell you that? I'm sorry... I've been such a bastard.. forgive me... I love you so much... please don't ever leave me.. koi..."

Shuuichi was beyond shocked. Not only was he baffled by what he just heard from the older man, but now, Yuki was crying before him. 

Again. 

It was the second time he saw it, and the first one, he knew the reason was quite serious. It was something, Shuuichi thought, 'cryable'. And now, he couldn't decipher what the reason was.

But he couldn't care less with that anymore. He was overjoyed, because finally, Yuki acknowledges his presence... his existence. He wasn't shoving him off anymore like he used to.. wasn't calling him harsh names or anything like that.

And in that, he felt contended.

"Y-Yuki!! Hontou ni ureshii!! Iie! I won't ever leave you! Never!! I love you too Yuki!!" Shuuichi declared ecstatically.

Yuki hugged him tightly as the younger man buried his face on his chest. He was crying too, but because, he felt rapturous. 

/It was all a dream... I was given another chance... arigatou.../ He thought, relieved.

Somehow, he was glad he had that dream. It taught him things he wouldn't figure out by himself. He learned to appreciate the prize before him, while the clock's still ticking. And at that moment, he vowed to himself that he would.

Now he knew.

He would treasure Shuuichi forever.

His Shuuichi.

His _light_. 

---------------

owari^.^

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shucks, i wonder what you guys'll be thinking after reading this... masaka! i hope it's nothin like trashing the fic or somethin... .

anyways, i hope you enjoyed it at least. and i hope it somewhat explained the little OOC-ness in the first chap (well, I figured that in dreams, they can act out of character if they want to coz anything's possible there, ne?) 

sorry if it's badly written though.. my mind's in chaos right now ::insert dramatic backround::

this fic was written to teach yuki to appreciate shu-chan more, yah know, before it's too late and something like that actually happens ^.~

ookay.. i'm gonna run and hide now before you guys kill me... waah! 


End file.
